there is so much to be thankful for.
let me count the ways. . . and this is only the beginning. . .
- I’m living with the man I adore and love and we are deepening our love and trust and communication daily
- I’m living on beautiful land with a great view
- I’m thankful for my health
- I’m thankful for my family
- I’m thankful for my friends
- I’m thankful that I have work that I enjoy and I’m thankful that I get to choose the hours that I work
- I’m thankful for music and drums
- I’m thankful for art
- I’m thankful for creativity
- I’m thankful for nature
- I’m thankful for wood-burning stoves and heat in general
- I’m thankful for knitting and cooking and the resources to do both
- I’m humbled and thankful for the people who are willing to show up and journey through the dance with me
- I’m thankful for the collaborations that have been and the ones that are to come
the question today is about personality and range.
and about decision making.
so there is free will.
or at least there is something close enough to free will that we all need to act like there is free will because the alternative starts to get mindbending until we are clear enough that we no longer have free will (but that’s a different conversation because it’s not my experience.)
my experience is that we have free will.
we as humans get to choose what we do, overall, to some degree about how we feel and entirely about whether or not we want to stay present to our experience or not (though the whole addiction thing is tricky terrain).
all that aside. . .
what I want to know is why does truth feel like two very different things sometimes inside me.
I want this and I also want this, but I can’t see a way to have them both.
Maybe it goes back again to that pesky limited imagination thing.
I feel like I’m living inside the personality of both an introvert and an extrovert and they keep playing tug of war with my life.
We’ll see if they can come to a compromise or if one side will win.
I want to crawl back into bed and stay there forever.
today it all feels like too much.
the emails and the calls and things that I should be doing, this is all swirling.
If I could knit together the pieces as I knit the wristwarmers.
If I could cook together the pieces as I cook the soup.
If I could clean the insides as I wash the dishes.
Last night I drank wine and tried on fancy dresses. I felt invincible – the women were there to tell me I looked fabulous.
Somehow the magic is gone and today I’m not sure about any of it.
It happens so fast.
The dark nights are here.
Starting now – it’s only 4:30 in the afternoon and the sun is behind the hills. I am very aware of the cracks in the windows and the places where the cold gets in.
and I read articles saying that we are going down, and that Americans want change but are addicts to the way things are and I agree. I know exactly how hard it is to step away from what is hurting you. I know exactly how hard it is to choose yoga over a cigarette. To choose going for a walk over playing on the computer. I know exactly how hard it is to be the sort of person that I want to be. And even harder still when everyone around me is telling me that if I drink this beer I will be stronger, healthier and more loved. They feed off our self-doubt. The economy requires it.
But I’m not buying.
Today, I’m making soup from organic veggies bought at my local co-op and grown by me and my father. I’m cooking millet that we grew and threshed all by ourselves. I’m knitting by the fire.
Sometimes, I’m crying too.
it’s such a curious thing, this boredom thing.
I remember it from being a kid – nothing that I want to do.
I think now it’s that I don’t want to do any of the things I think I should do.
- I don’t want to plant garlic in the little patch in the field – soon, but not today.
- I don’t want to do the dishes
- or the laundry
- or any cleaning of anything
- I don’t want to call the bank to discuss the $20 charge
- I don’t want to read
- or listen to a book on tape
- I don’t want to play online boggle
- I don’t want to practice my drum (though I think I should)
- I don’t really want to talk on the phone
- I don’t want a drink
- I don’t want to visit my parents (they’re not home anyway)
- I don’t want to cook
- I don’t want to eat
- I don’t want to go anywhere
So is it a failure of imagination?
on some level it feels like good news cause I’ve been running around like a mad woman for days and days and maybe this is what resting feels like and I’m just not used to it and so I’m calling it boredom when really it’s peace.
so I’m convinced that I’m trying to learn something about asking the universe for things (manifestation, but that’s a charged word these days).
we needed carpet for the remodel. we put an ad in the paper. we go to pick up carpet number 1 which is very close to what I was imagining – after loading the carpet – the guy says, oh – by the way, I want $25 for it. I was startled and paid him, even though I didn’t really want to.
carpet #2 calls – I ask – and yes he wants money and even though it’s not exactly the color I was envisioning and it costs money – we decide to go for it, because at least then it will be over. we now have exactly as much carpet as we need.
carpet #3 calls – it’s exactly the color that I was envisioning and it’s free. so I get it. and now I have a bit of extra carpet, plus the carpet that I really want.
the moral of this story?
there are several.
1) ask if the person offering carpet wants to sell it or is giving it away
2) don’t settle for less than what you really want, because with a bit of persistence you can actually have what you really want.
or) you can have what you really want only after you stop looking
or) too much carpet is better than too little carpet, because now I get to be generous – and I get to carpet the basement and David can cut it the perfect size and use it as a drum rug and why not?
or). . . .. . . . .fill in the blank
I realize that I haven’t quite discovered what it is that I want this blog to be, so please bear with me as I figure this out. I think it’s going to have to be a fairly broad sort of a thing, as that is how my interests run.
For example today I:
-had home grown millet cereal for breakfast
-cleaned off the drying racks in the living room and organized the home grown/dried herbs and spices. they are now all lined up in the kitchen – it makes me want to drink tea and make salves.
-helped pick out little bits of blue glove from the millet that I had accidentally gotten into said millet yesterday
-helped plant garlic at my parents house and discussed permaculture and design principles and how to teach them to high school students
-ate a quick lunch with fresh tomato and red pepper (and other less fresh items like corn chips and canned beans)
-worked on the computer and got the “Barefoot Truth” album so I could play them on the radio
-mixed up a batch of mud/sand/cattails to fill in some spots on the garage (think adobe plastering)
-helped my brother take down the tipi for the winter
-drove to get carpet for the drum-room. drove the carpet home
-got a friend who’d gotten stranded at the car repair place
-dined with a friend and helped her wash dishes while discussing life, the universe and everything
-back home to do some knitting and writing and maybe watch a movie or something before bed and then doing something mostly different in the morning.
from this list I think that this blog could be about:
homesteading (though I’m still such a student)
medicinal herbs (though I’m still such a student)
attempting to live a truthful life as a 30 something year old human on a very troubled planet (hmmm)
maybe it’s much like my life and I’m very interested in finding the boundaries, the perimeters and really it’s just this life and it will be what it is and it’s not up to me to define it.
I guess we’ll see.
I don’t want this heartache that I don’t understand –
my life is beautiful, why this ache? why this crushing weight?
I’m mourning all the lives I will not have.
I’m mourning a hundred deaths.
The mind moves at light speed and my life moves at the speed of a life. Which is to say at the same speed as dirty dishes and the aloe plant reaching towards the sun. My mind can build a thousand outcomes to this life and bury them all in the space of time it takes me to vacuum the floor.
Now it is time to turn inwards. Winter is approaching. Quick. Gather the harvest, bury the roots. Honor this death. Honor the turn of seasons. Honor this body. Honor this knowing.
and there is the quiet focusing inward.
the looking back at the words to catch, to capture, to touch, hold, reveal – images, emotions thoughts.
this one life. this one fleeting precious existence that is flowing through.
flowing through this life, this noticing.
And its infinite and complex and somewhere there is a soul – somewhere there is a something – the guiding principle. The guiding force that asks me –
what do you want to do with your life and how are you spending your days?
But it also says:
This here now is all there is.
This here now is what we have and if you’re worried about later you will miss it.
one step beyond – one step behind. Stay here. Stay here.
and there is so much I want to do. to be. to love.
this could be the happiest day of the happiest hour and how would I know to look at it – how would I recognize that happiness. Can I remind myself to remember that?